The weather is changing, there’s a hint of fall in the air, and that means the social season is just around the corner. Company events, family gatherings, holiday parties, networking mixers, tailgates and more will soon fill our calendars.

For some people, that sounds wonderful. For others, it sounds exhausting. If walking into a room full of people you don’t know makes your stomach tighten, you’re not alone. Social situations can feel uncomfortable, especially when you’re expected to introduce yourself, make conversation or mingle with people you’ve never met.

Our natural inclination is often to avoid that discomfort. But what if the very thing we’re trying to avoid is exactly what we need to build confidence?

I recently listened to a fascinating conversation between happiness expert Arthur Brooks and neuroscientist Andrew Huberman on the Huberman Lab podcast. Brooks explained that one of the essential ingredients of happiness is satisfaction, and satisfaction is closely connected to struggle, effort and accomplishment. In other words, some of the experiences that make us feel best about ourselves come from doing things that weren’t easy at all.

The Courage Behind Confidence

Think about the last time you accomplished something that genuinely made you proud. Chances are, it required something from you. Maybe you had to learn a new skill, have a difficult conversation, give a presentation, walk into a room where you knew no one or take a risk without knowing how things would turn out. The satisfaction came, at least partly, because it was hard.

Brooks makes the point that struggle isn’t necessarily an obstacle to happiness. Sometimes it’s part of the recipe. When we remove every obstacle and avoid every uncomfortable situation, we may also remove opportunities to experience the satisfaction that comes from overcoming them.

I believe confidence works much the same way. Confidence isn’t something we wait around to feel. More often, it’s something we earn through experience. We do something uncomfortable, survive it and realize, Well, I did that. Maybe I can do it again.

The Lost Art of Showing Up

That matters more than ever because we live in a world where avoiding social discomfort has become incredibly easy. We can work from home, order groceries online, have dinner delivered, text instead of call and attend meetings without ever leaving our desks. Technology has given us tremendous convenience, but it has also made it possible to go through much of our day without interacting with someone we don’t know.

The problem is that social confidence is a little like a muscle. If we don’t use it, it doesn’t get stronger. Walking into a room full of strangers can feel awkward. Starting a conversation with someone you don’t know takes courage. Making small talk, remembering someone’s name, joining a group or introducing yourself all require something from us, but they also build something in us.

Every time you walk into that event instead of staying home, introduce yourself instead of waiting for someone to approach you, or ask a thoughtful question instead of reaching for your phone, you gather evidence that says: I can do this. I’m capable. I belong here.

That’s genuine confidence. It doesn’t come simply from telling yourself you’re confident. It comes from proving to yourself, one experience at a time, that you can handle a little discomfort and come out stronger on the other side.

6 Ways to Build Confidence Through Intentional Discomfort

1. Do the hard thing before you feel completely ready. Prepare as much as you reasonably can, but don’t wait for the nervousness to disappear before you act. Sometimes we think confidence has to come first, when in reality confidence is often the result of taking action.

2. Start small and build. You don’t have to work the entire room or meet everyone at the event. Start one conversation. Introduce yourself to one person. Stay 30 minutes instead of skipping the event altogether. Small successes give you something to build upon.

3. Decide how you want to show up. Give yourself a simple goal before you enter the room: I’m going to introduce myself to two people. Or, I’m going to ask good questions and really listen to the answers. A specific intention gives you something productive to focus on instead of worrying about how you’re being perceived.

4. Get comfortable being a little uncomfortable. Your palms may sweat. You may stumble over someone’s name. There may be an awkward pause in the conversation. None of that means you don’t belong there. It simply means you’re stretching yourself and doing something that doesn’t yet feel completely natural.

5. Notice what you accomplished. Afterward, resist the temptation to critique everything you said or replay the awkward moments. Instead, think about what went well. Maybe you introduced yourself to someone new, had three interesting conversations, made someone laugh or learned something about another person. Give yourself credit for showing up and making the effort.

6. Remember that the effort is part of the reward. There is a particular satisfaction that comes from doing something you weren’t sure you could do. The next time you face a similar situation, you have evidence from experience that you can handle it. That’s how confidence grows, little by little, one uncomfortable experience at a time.

The Season Ahead

As we move into the busy social season, you may be tempted to decline an invitation or retreat to a familiar face once you arrive. Instead, challenge yourself to stay with the discomfort a little longer. Walk across the room, say hello, introduce yourself, and start a conversation.

You don’t have to be the most charismatic person in the room or impress everyone you meet. You simply have to show up and practice. With each experience, the discomfort lessens and your confidence grows.

So, the next time you’re tempted to sit something out because it feels uncomfortable, say yes instead. Show up. Make the first move. Start the conversation. You may discover that what you’ve been avoiding is exactly what you need to become more confident.

After all, sometimes the only way to become more comfortable is to be willing to be uncomfortable first.